Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Antidote to Save Your Life

What does a man do, when he has a computer, a broad band connection and he's home alone? Why, he blogs of course! (You Pervert!!)

Watch any of the channels on TV today and you are sure to catch the Max New York Life Insurance ad. Im sure you will agree with me that this is one of the most irritating ads on television today. Everytime I watch it, I want to scream my head off, but my vocal cords fail me miserably. My face freezes in agony and my mouth goes agape showing my nicely inflamed tonsils.

The concept as a whole seems sound enough. Young urban housewife, returns home after shopping, but cant find husband anywhere. Goes looking in every room, but still cant find him. Finally goes to the front porch and sees him slouched on the chair. Thinks the fat boy is as dead as a dodo. Turns out he's just Rip Van Winkle. We have a perfect case for a life insurance.

So what exactly is it about this ad, that induces so much grief and anguish across households?

Me thinks that the credit (if you could call it that) should go to the protagonist of this ad. Yes, im referring to the lady who looks like a bad cross between Michael Jackson and a Baboon. More specifically, it is the way she opens her mouth and shapes it into an obdurate 'O' and spouts the dreaded word: SANJU!!!! Good Lord, that nasally, sing song voice is bound to produce a sensory overload on your ear drums.

But never fear, after many days of painstaking analysis and research, I have come up with a solution that will make this ad more bearable. I am now about to share this information with you. Many lives will be saved and my close confidants tell me that I am sure to get the Bharat Ratna.

You will have to follow this complex, mathematical procedure. But trust me, at the end of it, it will be well and truly worth it.


1. Take the word Sanju.

2. Replace the 'S' with 'K'

3. Replace the 'a' with 'u'

4. Now, everytime this ad plays out on TV, shout out the newly formed word, Ku***

Thats what the fat prick deserves to be called anyway.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Not Another Post on IPL!!!

As, I write this, the Corporate Juggernaut that is the Indian Premier League marches on surely but not so slowly. Lets face the facts, it is here to stay. And like the vast majority of the general public, this blog post will give a cold shoulder to our national sport and turn myopic to the fact that a motley crew of players, have against all odds reached the finals of the Sultan Azlan Trophy.

Hockey can never match the glitz and glamour of cricket. And now the IPL may well have sounded the deal knell for it. Even Kabir Khan has jumped ship from the Women's Hockey team to the Kolakata Knight Riders.

Speaking of whom, has anybody noticed how every time the Knight Riders get a boundary or take a wicket, King Khan does a near perfect impersonation of the Statue de la Liberté right down to the raised arm and a face that simply refuses to emote? Don't believe me eh? Check out these picture below:


If you are attentive enough, you can also hear the distinct crashing of finger cymbals every time SRK celebrates. For the uninitiated, finger cymbals are also known as Jaalra in Tamil.

Whereforth doth this soft strain of music emanate from you might wonder.....

A cursory glance to the person behind SRK, and you will notice the instrument being played by the perfectly manicured fingers of a certain Mr. Arjun Rampal, who coincidentally "acts" (Ahem!!!) in a whole lot of King Khans movies these days. Like I said, its just coincidence.

The IPL has seen its fair share of controversies also. First there was the Sreesanth, Bhajji slapgate. Apparently the Mumbai Indians team manager, Mr. Lalchand Rajput, former India assistant coach broke into peels of laughter after watching this episode play out right in front of his eyes.

Absolutely shocking!!! How? how? how?

How could anybody else not laugh after watching this is beyond me!!! I for one was laughing my ass off when I heard about that one. Couldnt have happened to a more deserving person!!!

Then there was the Ganguly - Warne spat, with the latter accusing Ganguly of lacking sportsmanship and integrity. Not one to take things lying down, Dada shot back, saying "Look who's talking. If you look at his career and the incidents he got in. It will give you the answer."

Strong words indeed. But before we give a pat on the back to our Bengal Tiger for a seemingly perfect riposte, lets just dust the old microscope and focus a little bit on Ganguly's career, shall we?

1. Dispute with Team Coach - Check

2. Taking off shirt and showing hairy countenance - Check

3. Performing poojas (and certain other things) with a particular actress, while wifey dear sits at home - Double Check.

Ah!, there you have it. No skeletons in the closet. Im glad we got that out of the way.

And finally, let me wind up by talking about the humiliation that the Bangalore Royal Challengers had to endure. Apparently, they were subjected to dope tests by WADA(World Anti Doping Agency) to test for the presence of performance enhancing drugs.

Here's my question. Why waste resources and money on running these tests? One look at the points table is proof aplenty that the Royal Challengers havent taken any drugs!! Nevertheless, the clearly enraged Bangalore team has vowed to carry on their mean losing streak to prove once and for all that they dont cheat. They lose fair and square!!!

Thats all that time that I have for this blog post. I gotta go open the innings for Pallavaram Power Dragons. See ya next year!!!