Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Antidote to Save Your Life

What does a man do, when he has a computer, a broad band connection and he's home alone? Why, he blogs of course! (You Pervert!!)

Watch any of the channels on TV today and you are sure to catch the Max New York Life Insurance ad. Im sure you will agree with me that this is one of the most irritating ads on television today. Everytime I watch it, I want to scream my head off, but my vocal cords fail me miserably. My face freezes in agony and my mouth goes agape showing my nicely inflamed tonsils.

The concept as a whole seems sound enough. Young urban housewife, returns home after shopping, but cant find husband anywhere. Goes looking in every room, but still cant find him. Finally goes to the front porch and sees him slouched on the chair. Thinks the fat boy is as dead as a dodo. Turns out he's just Rip Van Winkle. We have a perfect case for a life insurance.

So what exactly is it about this ad, that induces so much grief and anguish across households?

Me thinks that the credit (if you could call it that) should go to the protagonist of this ad. Yes, im referring to the lady who looks like a bad cross between Michael Jackson and a Baboon. More specifically, it is the way she opens her mouth and shapes it into an obdurate 'O' and spouts the dreaded word: SANJU!!!! Good Lord, that nasally, sing song voice is bound to produce a sensory overload on your ear drums.

But never fear, after many days of painstaking analysis and research, I have come up with a solution that will make this ad more bearable. I am now about to share this information with you. Many lives will be saved and my close confidants tell me that I am sure to get the Bharat Ratna.

You will have to follow this complex, mathematical procedure. But trust me, at the end of it, it will be well and truly worth it.


1. Take the word Sanju.

2. Replace the 'S' with 'K'

3. Replace the 'a' with 'u'

4. Now, everytime this ad plays out on TV, shout out the newly formed word, Ku***

Thats what the fat prick deserves to be called anyway.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Not Another Post on IPL!!!

As, I write this, the Corporate Juggernaut that is the Indian Premier League marches on surely but not so slowly. Lets face the facts, it is here to stay. And like the vast majority of the general public, this blog post will give a cold shoulder to our national sport and turn myopic to the fact that a motley crew of players, have against all odds reached the finals of the Sultan Azlan Trophy.

Hockey can never match the glitz and glamour of cricket. And now the IPL may well have sounded the deal knell for it. Even Kabir Khan has jumped ship from the Women's Hockey team to the Kolakata Knight Riders.

Speaking of whom, has anybody noticed how every time the Knight Riders get a boundary or take a wicket, King Khan does a near perfect impersonation of the Statue de la Liberté right down to the raised arm and a face that simply refuses to emote? Don't believe me eh? Check out these picture below:


If you are attentive enough, you can also hear the distinct crashing of finger cymbals every time SRK celebrates. For the uninitiated, finger cymbals are also known as Jaalra in Tamil.

Whereforth doth this soft strain of music emanate from you might wonder.....

A cursory glance to the person behind SRK, and you will notice the instrument being played by the perfectly manicured fingers of a certain Mr. Arjun Rampal, who coincidentally "acts" (Ahem!!!) in a whole lot of King Khans movies these days. Like I said, its just coincidence.

The IPL has seen its fair share of controversies also. First there was the Sreesanth, Bhajji slapgate. Apparently the Mumbai Indians team manager, Mr. Lalchand Rajput, former India assistant coach broke into peels of laughter after watching this episode play out right in front of his eyes.

Absolutely shocking!!! How? how? how?

How could anybody else not laugh after watching this is beyond me!!! I for one was laughing my ass off when I heard about that one. Couldnt have happened to a more deserving person!!!

Then there was the Ganguly - Warne spat, with the latter accusing Ganguly of lacking sportsmanship and integrity. Not one to take things lying down, Dada shot back, saying "Look who's talking. If you look at his career and the incidents he got in. It will give you the answer."

Strong words indeed. But before we give a pat on the back to our Bengal Tiger for a seemingly perfect riposte, lets just dust the old microscope and focus a little bit on Ganguly's career, shall we?

1. Dispute with Team Coach - Check

2. Taking off shirt and showing hairy countenance - Check

3. Performing poojas (and certain other things) with a particular actress, while wifey dear sits at home - Double Check.

Ah!, there you have it. No skeletons in the closet. Im glad we got that out of the way.

And finally, let me wind up by talking about the humiliation that the Bangalore Royal Challengers had to endure. Apparently, they were subjected to dope tests by WADA(World Anti Doping Agency) to test for the presence of performance enhancing drugs.

Here's my question. Why waste resources and money on running these tests? One look at the points table is proof aplenty that the Royal Challengers havent taken any drugs!! Nevertheless, the clearly enraged Bangalore team has vowed to carry on their mean losing streak to prove once and for all that they dont cheat. They lose fair and square!!!

Thats all that time that I have for this blog post. I gotta go open the innings for Pallavaram Power Dragons. See ya next year!!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Never Say Never Again

When? : January 20th, 2007. 10:30 P.M

Where?: Mayajaal Multiplex

What? : Pokkiri

Why???: I've been wondering bout that until this day...

The Aftermath:I swore never to watch another Vijay movie in my lifetime.

A few months later....

When exactly? : Novermber 8th, 2007 9 A.M

Where? : Inox Multiplex

What? : Azhagiya Tamil Magan

But Why? (Are you insane???): Nah!! We were just drunk....

Time heals, they say. So it was in my case. I had forgotten how traumatic my previous experience with a Vijay movie was. And so me and my motley group of friends found ourselves in a serpentine queue at INOX waiting to get in.

After the standard 'security check' where a gay security guard had the time of his life, the people who were going to watch ATM, were subjected to the following:

1. Counselling by eminent psychologists.

2. Free heart check up sponsored by Apollo Hospitals.

3. We were also made to sign a form which said that the management was not responsible for loss of any life.

Not ones to get dettered easily, we proceeded to the cinema hall with much merriment and excitement. As we opened the doors to screen 3, we were completely blown away by what we saw!!!!

People laughing, jumping, whistling, dancing....basically they were having a great time.

No!!! it wasnt the audience... it was one of the songs in the movie. The audience in contrast, wore expressionless looks on their faces. For a minute I thought that the entire zombie cast of 'Dawn of the Dead' had come to watch the movie.

So a little preplexed, we took our seats. The time was 9:20. Having missed twenty minutes of the movie, I asked the lady in front of me if the 'Ella Pugalum' song was over, to which she replied...

"Stupid "&%^~!£@ movie...."$£%&$%&£%^*%"

"Thanks!! Has anybody told you how mild mannered you are?", I enquired.

My buddy, Manoj turned towards the guy sitting next to him and asked...

"Excuse me, Can you tell me if the song....."

"Errrr...Excuse me....."

"Ummmm, I think hes dead!!!"

"Well, Looks like the movie is interesting!!!", said Elango.

We finally settled down to watch the movie....and so engrossed were we, that we realized we hadnt yawned in exactly 5 minutes. (Thanks mainly to Shriya and her costume designer).

I cant say anything else about the movie. Neither can my friends. We slept like babies you see.

We woke up at the interval, went out, bought one popcorn for the five of us (INOX is a costly place) and came back in just in time to watch the 'Mariyln Monroe' song. Dear Lord!!! Jennifer Lopez scanning??? Well...all I can say is, whatever scanner they used...they sure need to replace it!!

The woman is so fat....she just eclipses everything. I didnt know there were group dancers in the song until bout midway through, when I was able to see their shadows in the sand.

In fact, Kapil Sibal, the honourable Union Minister of State for Science and Technology and ocean development addressed a press conference yesterday where he said...

"We now have natural protection against tsunamis. Aint nothing getting past Namitha She is so big that after a tsunami wave strikes her, only her feet get wet"

I really feel sorry for her commode though. Imagine two tons of ass sitting on top of you every morning....I believe the guys at Parry Ware have her commode replaced everyday. The head honchos of the company are now working on a bold and innovative 'Namitha Proof Commode'

But enough P.J.s bout Namitha. Lets get back to ATM. Half way through the movie, a hysterical Shriya screams into the camera....

"Innuma inge irukke??? Veliye Po!!!"

which essentially means....

"This Namitha is so fat, this is what happened after she took a poop the other day..."



Well anyways, this post is coming to an end.....If you ever decide to go to ATM, just make sure that its your banks and not the movie. This movie is so bad that watching Pokkiri felt like taking a pleasure cruise in the Bahamas

Ive now taken a solemn oath on my parents never to watch another Vijay movie again.

What? Wait for Kuruvi you say?